I have a very strained relationship with my ex husband, and I need advice about it.?

We split up in 2003, when our kids were 3 and 5 years old. They have lived with me since then, except for every other weekend visitation when they stay with their dad. He has made decisions about the kids that I don't agree with, but I feel like my hands are tied and there's not really anything I can do about it unless I want to make things really nasty between us (and end up putting the kids in the middle of our disagreements).





Examples: Has decided the kids will be vaccinated for the flu, and informed me that if I don't take them for the flu shots that he is going to while they're staying with him for the weekend. Our son is autistic, and with all the controversy about the possibility of the flu shot contributing to autism, I've decided that I don't want to have them vaccinated.





He enrolled them in Lutheran religious education classes for Sunday mornings when they stay with him. The kids are both baptized Catholic, and attend Catholic mass (although not very often, it's still VERY different from Lutheran service).





2 years ago, he and his wife had a stillborn baby when she was 7 months pregnant. They take the kids to the cemetery to 'visit their sister'. They never attended the actual funeral. It's almost like they're forcing the kids to go through the grieving process with them, even though they were never really involved with the pregnancy (except to see her pregnant every other weekend when they'd visit their dad). Now my daughter fantasy plays with the dead sister she's never known or even met.





He took it upon himself to give a very explicit birds and bees talk with the kids when they were 7 and 9, prompting my 7 year old daughter to write her dad a letter stating 'have lots of sexxxs so Kimberly (his wife) can have a new baby in her tummy'. When I became upset when I found out, his response was a condescending chuckle, and said 'you can't protect them forever'.





He has on NUMEROUS occasions allowed my 11 year old son to sit in the front seat of his vehicle, even just 10 days after having emergency brain surgery for meningitis... because 'he likes to ride in the front seat', AND so that his wife can sit in the back seat with the baby they now have, because she's worried the baby will 'urp' and choke on it. The drive is about 50 miles, mostly interstate with traffic moving about 75 mph.





He swears a lot, even using the 'f' word... and has told the kids he's just 'had a potty mouth since he was N*****'s age' (my son).





Has bought them and allowed them to play rated 'M' video games.





Doesn't require them to wear helmets when they bike ride or skate board in the street.





I could go on and on... he's very passive aggressive toward me still. If he finds out something bothers me, it only encourages him to do something even more. I don't know what to do...I have a very strained relationship with my ex husband, and I need advice about it.?
First off, some of these aren't very major, like the church thing, younger kids don't really get the difference in the stuff from Lutheran to Catholic (which, by the way, aren't all that different, I'm Lutheran and I went to Catholic mass once with my aunt and didn't find it too terribly different) but, on some of the other things, such as the vaccine, sex talk, and taking the kids to the cemetery (that one kind of freaks me out) are things that you and your ex should talk about. Explain why you don't want to get your son vaccinated, just explain how you feel calmly to your ex and hopefully he'll get where your coming from. ;D





On the other hand, it's very irresponsible and immature to not require your children to wear helmets, play M rated games, and cuss in front of them. I'd just tell him how you feel about it with this too.





Unfortunately, he might think of you telling him all this might be you trying to butt into his life and control him, so choose your battles very carefully. Choose one or two things that bother you a lot, is it the M games and swearing, or the no helmets and such. Perhaps counseling or a parent class or two would help both him and you get a better idea on how to parent.I have a very strained relationship with my ex husband, and I need advice about it.?
I don't see the problem, especially if Nathan (your asterisks don't hide anything) and the other kid(s) are happy. Seems like you're freaking out about nothing.
sit your ex down and disguss how you fell and your limits on what the kids should be doing.
Consider the fact that the underlying problem could that you have never got over the split. Instead of fretting over the undisputed shortcomings of your husband, concentrate more on making a life of your own. Yes you want to protect your kids and yes you have been soured by your relationship failing with their father but you seem to want to bounce accusations around as a way of scoring points over him and his new partner. Some complaints you make have legitimacy but these are few and you could choose to discuss them in a calm way with your ex. for the rest, you just have to accept that divorce brings the necessity to share. Be happy that the kids live with you the most and that you have the greatest influence. But be wary of decreasing your influence by belittling the kids father in front of them.
hmmmmmmmmm





i think you are compiling a dossier of complaints and are actively looking for things





SOME of the things i dont agree with, like riding in the front seat


however, there are a lot of trivial things in there, just because YOU dont do it that way, doesnt make you right and him wrong, attending a different church for instance, i say hurrah for teaching them more than one religion, you even admit you are not a complete practicing catholic, so rather hypocritical in my eyes





the sex thing?? they will hear worse in the playground, your littlies comment was childlike and not smutty in any way, they are right you cannot wrap in cotton wool


the baby who sadly died, who is to say how you would handle it of it were you, they are grieving, the only way they know how





sounds like you are not comfortable they have moved on and made a life together


nothing he has done suggests willful neglect, rather a differing opinion, one which probably contributed to you being divorced in the 1st place





you REALLY need to relax a little and learn to pick your battles
Wow, sounds like you are talking about my ex. He probably is still in love with you and that's why he's acting in a rebellious way. My ex got remarried too, but I married first and he told me if it didn't work out for me that he would take me back even if I made more kids. YUCK, well he is once again divorced and he and I no longer speak (my choice) our son is now a young adult so there is no need to keep in contact.
These are the problems and issues you face as divorced parents.





I would call and ask to get together with him. No kids, no current significant others, just the two of you to discuss your children.





Do not attack him. Some of the things you mention you cannot change, or stop. But other things related to their health and well being, you certainly can and do have a say in...but so does he.





Write out your concerns about the flu shot, and sitting in the front seat, cursing in front of the kids, etc. and explain to their father why you feel these are things that are detrimental to them. Listen to his side and his thinking on it as well. Also be open to anything that he thinks you could do differently.





Keep the main purpose of the conversation about your children. Let your ex know you are not out to condemn him or his parenting but that the two of you, although divorced, must raise these children together. You need to be united where the kids are concerned. It's not easy but if you are both mature about it, it can be done. You should both put the kids first. Your own personal feelings for each other need to be put aside.





As far as things like visiting their dead half sister...that is not really something you have any say in, so I wouldn't bring it up at all. Just keep it to things you have valid concerns about. The flu shot is one, that you can back up with medical data, as is your children riding in the front seat. Statistics show they are more likely to be injured in an accident if they are in the front. So you have valid worries.





Be mature, don't allow the conversation to be about him or you and your divorce. Take the high road. Ultimately the kids are what really matter and parents who get along make it better for everyone.